If You Forget Me
Mood:  down
I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

- Pablo Neruda

laugh or cry?
Mood:  down
I could neither laugh nor cry, I had to fight... I was being berated for talking to someone on yahoo and it wasn't anyone important I was talking to. They asked why my status was complicated on a networking site and I explained it and someones nosy ass read what I wrote and tried to put words in my mouth, nothing new... I explained what the rectangle shaped thing with the knob on it was for the zillionth time and told him he could go live with the person he bought in to this as a side argument two blocks over two blocks north...

Not, Again
Mood:  down

Life Falling Apart

From Both Ends

Me in the Middle 

Slowly Caving in 

on top of my head

 

Everyone Pretending

to understand

making empty promises

on which I can't depend. 

tired
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Seize the Day - Avenged Sevenfold

     Tired of being misunderstood, being nice, being good,  being....  So far in this lifetime it hasn't paid off in any positive way. I sit and watch people fuck up all the time, every day and get rewarded for it, I try to do what I'm supposed to do and all I get is shit, from kids, school, police, false promising building inspectors... I don't do drugs, I only drink on occasion, I don't have much of a social life to speak of and being in a place full of strangers borderline freaks me out, like birthday parties that I have to take my kids to, give me panic attacks and I try to avoid those at all costs but, I can't always do that and it really sucks that my social butterfly children have such a socially backward mother. I'm not sure if I have a point to this or not. Probably doesn't matter any way it's just my random opinions on crap....  

disappointment....
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Life After Death - Sixx A.M.

 

 

why is it that children always seem to find a way to disappoint you?
even if they don't seem to intend to or it's the child that loves you
best out of everyone else in their world.
And what makes it worse is that they don't realize the disappointment is there.

I guess I'm disappointed in myself because I thought that I had been doing a good job, not a great job, with my kids. I have one that is perilously off the tracks and I don't know what to do to get him back on. I have one I don't know what to expect from him because of his limitations. Then theres the baby who I thought was okay until last night when she did something I thought was unnecessary and she didn't think there was anything wrong with it and she got kudos for it from her dad, until I closed the door and told her how I thought it was and sent her to bed. Yay, me I'm the bad guy, whats new.

 

Don't get me started on the alcoholic kid either.... 

 

FUCK! 

Stay Gold
Mood:  blue

..........

Is it real or just a dream

Does he know how much

he really means to me 

the bright spot in my

lonely chaotic day

making me crazy in

more  than one one way

afraid that I'll see him

afraid that I won't

not knowing what to do

with these feelings I've got

mind reels

formulating a plan,

I almost had it

and then it fleetingly ran

all the while my brain screams

act natural 

 

confused...
Mood:  not sure

Confused, conflicted

coming undone

don't know what is

right or wrong ...

untitled
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Fuel - Hemorrhage
I feel like I'm contagious
and if I go near
that the nothing nothingness
that I feel
will transfer to whomever I
come in contact with
if I had a heart it would be grey
my personal cloud on a rainy day

overslept again this morning
naturally it was all my fault
the few hours I got were not my due

don't know if I can keep on going.
Please
give me the strength to make it so
not sure it's in me to do it alone

Tired
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Tired - Toby Keith

my lips are numb, I'm tired in more ways than one.

I'm not in a celebrating mood, so I've sat here alone

headphones are my friend.  

this womans work is done for the night and I'm going to bed. 

 

Until tomorrow when i see if can do better....