Thoughts in my head continued
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Storm Large: Ladylike

So Many things going through my head, and I don't know what to do about any of them. Trying to decide if I have a little bit of life left or if I shoulg use my contingency plan.

How Bad of a person am I for feeling this way?

I live in a house where no one gets me or understands me, I'm not sure that it has anything to do with my superiorly intimidating intellect either. HaHa
It makes me feel like I'm crazy but, I'm the one who has to hold things together for everyone else.

I'm a cruise deirector on the HMS Titanic. I probably look lazy to everyone around me but, I'm not I'm just flippin tired! It's draining being as good as I can be and the potential for fun doesn't exist. Court, Schools, appointments, classes, kids, and never having any time alone to regenerate my soul the batteries are very low. Yet I still have to go on being the best me I can, not having anyone to talk to my Cindi is gone and I've never been able to tell Carol everything thats going on.

What do we have in common anyway besides two kids, he sits and resents having to take me places that I need to go to and expects me to perform on cue like a trained seal as long as it falls into the guidelines of what he thinks is proper behavior for me. When the 16 yr old can do whateva' she wants to wear whatever she wants to talk to whoever she wants to and get arrested as many times as she wants to, then throwing Wade back in my face, not realizing he will be an adult in a short 5 months and he can stand or fall on his own without his Mommie by his side, whereas Carli still has two more years that he is responsible for her.

There is no mystery in this relationship he asks for sex and I want to fold in on myself, theres no prelude no sweet words nothing to soothe away anything that has happened during the day/week that preceeded being asked, if I say no I give everybody more attention than I give him... I can't win. Should I not expect those words? Am I not fair?  Or should I take into consideration the other factors that go along with all this mess? Like he's spent most of the last 6 years couch, he doesn't want a job he expects to be kept. he's gained at least 60 pounds and looks about 9 months pregnant. OMG I'm shallow hal no really haha
If anything else was better that last part might not matter so much but it's not, it's all lumped together. I don't go around telling people I'm perfect or anything I just do the best I can and it's usally not good enough and I'm back to the beginning again should I stay or should I go....

and then theres this other thing......

A lot of information I don't know what to do with...
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Deep Purple: Perfect Strangers

I'm even afraid to type it and put it out there in, black and white, so to speak.

I'm chicken, I'll do it later....

So much to catch up on, only one positive note...
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Rock Star : Nickelback
I've been away from my computer since April. All Because my daughter fell off of her bicycle and skinned her knee. How is that possible you ask? well let me tell you I have neighbors that don't know how to keep their nose outta my business and they called an ambulance to come and look at my daughters skinned knee! Well when they got there so did the police (I was at WORK when all this happened) the police were let in to my house and they called CPS and the building inspector because of the condition of my house. And subsequently it was condemned pending clean up and I was accused of child neglect yadda yadda! I'm getting mad writing this so I'll continue later...

The Power of Prayer?
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Mad World - Gary Jules

    A customer that I waited on where I work at asked if I was ready for Christmas, I told her no, that I couldn't afford to buy presents for my children. She asked for my address and how many children I have I gave her my address and I said that she could also say a prayer for my family. The lady said that she would send something for me to spend on my children and she would definitely say prayers for us. Well I didn't really expect her to send anything and I haven't received anything but that's not what my problem is.

    I'm having some serious doubts about the power of prayer, after this lady said that she would pray for us, my son was arrested and detained in youth detention for about 10 days. While he was in there my step-daughter was also arrested on charges unrelated to my son's, she messed up independantly  ha!  Now he is on in-home detention and she is under 24 hour adult supervision, sentencing still to be determined. 

    I fear that if this lady says another prayer for us that one of us could have something serious happen to us. I still have two children who haven't had anything happen to them, Yet. Kind of makes me wonder what did I do wrong now, why is God pissed at me? I go to work, come home take care of my kids, don't do drugs, only drink occasionally. I spend my spare time on the computer, listening to music or reading. I've always heard it said that God never gives you more than you can take, well I think I'm stretched to the breaking point. If I had insurance I would have already checked myself into the loony bin.

 

If anyone is reading this I'm not sure that you should say a prayer for

Sugie 9M (mildly mentally deficient, ADHD)

Bean 7F

Dubya 16M (ADHD, Bi-Polar)

Lotta 15F (depression, abandonment issues)

*nicknames have been used to protect the innocent and the not so innocent*

 

Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Living Dead Girl - Rob Zombie

Bigoo

 

Really wonder why no one notices me unless their pissed off at me, hmmm

 It's cool, ya'll can bite me

An Essay on Disrespect
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Dio, Rainbow in the Dark

When I was a teenager, I tried to respect my elders. I thought I did a fairly good job. These teenagers today though,  if I did those things like they do now my mother would have beat me with a broom handle into submission!

I'm not saying I was a goody two shoes either, but I did not write on the walls with markers crayons etc... making so-called gang symbols in my room, I did not try to have a boy spend the night with me in my parents house. I was told to  leave the door open and I had enough decency not to do anything in front of my mother and step-father that wasn't for public consumption. I never walked into a friends house unannounced, went to their refridgerator and helped myself to what I wanted, I asked or waited until anything was offered.

I didn't smoke in front of my mother until I was given permission to, she doesn't smoke so I respected her right to clean air, now the kids come by and ask for cigarettes or take them without asking depending on the circumstance and I'm not rich enough to supply the whole neighborhoods teens, nor do I want to be arrested for it.

I had a boyfriend whose grandmother was about the best cook in the world and if I didn't eat what she offered she would have been insulted (thinking about it makes me want a big bowl of Goulash.) I spent a lot of time at her house in the two years we were together and I respected her space, didn't do anything improper in her presence.

I never had the urge to steal from any of my friends or their homes, I did however shoplift on occasion, I didn't get caught where I did it but, my mother found out and she made me feel so bad about it that I couldn't wear the earrings I took and that could be a factor in why I don't wear earrings very often now.

Teenagers today act like someone owes them something, I'm not saying it all of them but most of the ones I've seen do. They'll steal medication that is sorely needed by the person it was subscribed for, take your credit card out for a joyride and don't give any of it a second thought to how it affects other people. What do they care if someone elses education is interrupted, or if a senior citizen has trouble paying the bills because someone else had a good time at their expense. The pay no attention to the effect any of these events have on younger siblings and they don't care.

They need to figure out that the world doesn't revolve around them and think about someone else for a change,  stop telling me I'm infringing on their individuality because I want them to wear something besides what they have on, I've been a teenager and it hasn't been all that long ago.

I'm sick and tired of the behavior and talking to them until I'm blue in the face doesn't seem to help whatsoever.

Everybody Out of the Water
Mood:  irritated

ok I guess I can't talk here either

I was caught blogging and bitched at for it go figure!

no wonder I hate people their not within my grasp of understanding.

I've decided that this is my blog I can write what I want and if you don't like it too damn bad!

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire...
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Slide, GooGoo Dolls

Hmmm, Where do I start? This has always been a sore subject for me. I was voted most honest in my class, I couldn't lie to my mother without smiling, so she always knew when I was attempting to lie to her.
Another peeve I have that is closely related is people who make promises they don't intend to keep.

Ironically I live in a family with a couple of the biggest tall tale tellers I've ever seen in my life.
My Uncle didn't have shit on them and he lied for so many years he believed every word he said, and so did a lot of other people, But we can explore his story on another day.
Nothing he said ever hurt anybody to the best of my knowledge.

I've been asked to go to a therapy session of one of the persons who (allegedly) told these hurtful lies.
The therapist is someone I had developed a little bit of repoire with and I trusted about as much as I trust anyone, she had been my sons therapist for a little over a year before this incident happened. Well she believed the lies that were told to her about my family/household and we got a visit from the nasty CPS lady.

If Only.... yeah... she had asked me before she reported us, I would have told her the truth.

Call me selfish but I really have no desire to participate in this session. Being in a room of people I don't trust holds no appeal for me whatsoever.

I generally don't say much without having a good reason, I don't share with people,
I tell little bits and pieces here and there. I don't have a confidante I can bare my soul to.
Any attempt I've made to have someone I can talk with has been thwarted one way or another.
I hold everything in until I can't stand it any more, then I YELL.

To Be Continued....